911! GO Drunks & Cokeheads Saturday April 15, 2006

I can’t image a world without drunks and cokeheads? The world would be so boring and unadventurous without drunk university students or coked-out tradesmen.

I’m the first one to admit that both drugs and alcohol have their horrific side effects. For god sake, I’ve been trying to stay sober and for 55 out of 58 days I’ve accomplished that. [Which, I’m pretty freakin proud of] Still while I’ve turned my back to the firewater, I can’t imagine living in an awkward Utahan Utopia of non-alcoholic conservatism. Life would be so boring.

Twice this weekend, I have laughed my ass off at the stupid shit people do while fueled by drugs and/or alcohol. Example one – the photo above from the Brentwood mall yesterday morning. Sure its ridiculously homopohibic, but when you’re just trying to enjoy your morning coffee and this catches the corner of your eye. You can’t but stop, shake your head and laugh. You have to give these kids credit for their rearrangement of the words yoga and male instruction. Its even efficient. Look at the scatted letters on the ground. Damn they used less letters to convey their message. Obviously this was the handy work of the U of C’s brightest products – communication students. Its like a Mantra! 911 go GAY!

Example two – My new favorite cokehead WALKER. So on Friday night, while leaving Sam’s Deli in Kensington, Doug, Scott and I were approached by a fairly ratish man in a full flames kit. Simple enough. He looked pretty sane. I just thought he wanted a smoke. Wowie! Was I wrong.

What could have been the first sign that this man was nuts? It was either the fact that he didn’t really introduce himself but instead guessed our age and occupation. Or maybe it was the fact that he initially talked in rhyme and shook like an Elmo doll. I’m not too sure, but the next time some jittery man comes up to me and asks What was the name of a Punjab man in Vernon/Kelowna who killed his entire family in 1996? I’ll think I’ll walk away.

Oh and it only got better from there. I could go into detail about the 45 minute chat with WALKER, but without the context it wouldn’t be as funny. Some things WALKER said were just plain stupid. But it was his jaw-droppingly ridiculous logic that made us laugh our ass off. So as a benefit to the world I present to you some ‘life lessons from WALKER – TEXAS COKEHEAD/EXPERT PATIO MAKER:

  • Apparently you need a passport to go to Chinook Mall.
  • 1 in 4 men have three testicles.
  • A three months stint at the Remand Centre (i.e. The local jail) can happen for unpaid motorcycle tickets.
  • It’s pretty easy to fake an abortion in a Super 8 motel room.
  • The Hells Angels are more than happy to shake down U of A Mesa Professors.
  • The bail hearing room downtown is room 412.
  • Hot female women of Calgary regularly make casual bets about obscure British Colombian Mass Murders.

So people of Calgary please continue to do drink and do drugs.

Besides hanging out at the Cafe Med and chatting to random cokeheads, it has been a fairly busy weekend of web development. There are updates to my portfolio, more photos on the flickr site and alot of work on the music-critic.ca redesign. So I haven’t had as much time to surf the net. But I do have to recommend checking out the Hebrew Hammer of Reggae – Matisyahu. Especially the Live at Stubbs record. Imagine a Jewish Rabi in a smokey bar in the heart of Austin Texas beat-boxing over a reggae beat. Who needs drugs for a trip.

Categories: The-Humourous, The-Urban,

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